Beware of Bad Advice

Being a newbie to the stepmothering world, I took it upon myself to treat it as any expecting biological mother would. Instead of buying What to Expect While Expecting, I went out and purchased Stepcoupling, Stepmotherhood, and various other books aimed at “helping” women transition into their role as a stepmother. However, upon reading some of the literature out there for people in my situation, I’ve noticed a lot of negativity. I even googled the term “second wife,” and results came back with the downside of the position. Women flock to these sites’ message boards, flooded them with all their grievances over being a wife, stepmother or even a biological mother with stepchildren. Complaints are rampant as these women fed into their insecurities – and some of mine – without any offer of hope. For every positive comment or story I read, they were followed by many more sad ones, angry ones or just plain bitter ones.

Instead of being inspired, I saw myself sucked down the pity hole. Slowly, my attitude went from “let’s make the most of this” and “we can still have our good life” to “why did he have kids in the first place….what was he thinking?!”  I’m even embarrassed to say that I allowed the bad attitudes of others create within me a sense of self-sorrow that quickly led to depression.

We’ve disagreed and wrestled with this issue a lot more because I’ve struggled with understanding what my role entails and I was stalemated seeking solutions from my peers. My poor fiancé has been kind enough to weather these storms with me without taking too much of my anger or fears to heart, but not even he could help me find my place since he’s never been a stepmother himself. There’s no clear role model.

My biggest question has been this – If I am married to Chris and everything that’s his becomes mine, then how do I feel that connection with him without his children ever being able to be mine?  I mean, if it’s important to have the same ring design and bank accounts, how much bigger is it to be in sync with little ones?

I don’t think I’ll ever really know the answer to that, but the good news is that we’re not in too deep ourselves. Chris was married for five years and has a three-year-old son from that marriage, so it’ll be easier for us to cement our own family once we’ve had more years under our belt. It’s easy as a second wife to compare yourself to your predecessor, but that’s counter-productive. In time, we’ll surpass her if we love our husbands and nurture our children – and stepchildren – properly. So many of the resources tell stories of new wives feeling inferior to the ex-wife claiming that “she still acts like she’s his wife” or  “I never escaped feeling like the mistress” or even “I have the man but one-third of his paycheck ends up into her bank account and I have to accept this and sudden motherhood?” I have those thoughts and feel those feelings but remember, at the end of the day, we get something she never had – a genuine marriage while she has divorce.  So always put your marriage first and try to keep a positive perspective. She doesn’t matter. Instead of reading  books geared towards blended families first, read books written on marriages, plain and simple. After all, it is a marriage that brought you to where you are. Your marriage and your bond to your husband is what can make the biggest difference between having a horrible time and having a great time because you are married to him and not his drama, even though it feels like it follows you everywhere you go.

When you’re feeling vulnerable, try to say simple affirmations such as “My husband is the one I’m here for. He holds me at night, talks to me about heart issues, will grow old with me, possibly give me my own children, and love me every day. His kids are a part of our union, but not the marriage and his ex-wife is not in our marriage. It started with him and I and will end with him and I forever in my heart.”

 

When You Can Axe the Ex

She’s the proverbial elephant in the room; your husband’s ex-wife and the bio-mom of your stepchildren.  And it matters not whether physical custody resides with your husband or his ex-wife, she’s there and she’s not going anywhere. If you’re one of the lucky girls, your husband has clearly defined boundaries that his ex-wife cannot cross. But for those who have the ever encroaching ex, she can be a bit of a pill.

It’s never easy to see the ex of someone you love. I’m sure that during your dating years, you were like me and never wanted any mention of or exposure to – her, but you’re married now to a wonderful man who happens to have children that you too have come to love so co-parenting with her is unavoidable. Let’s face it, here’s the information that we all have to come together to coordinate for the good of the child/ren: normal visitation, holiday schedules, child support obligations, school or daycare events and so on. Sometimes you feel like screaming since you just want her gone. You crave the freshness of an unattached life with your husband. And it’s not uncommon to feel this way and in no way should you feel guilty. It’s a part of the cycle of emotions that have to be retrained – and at times restrained! It’s a challenge on both sides; even the ex-wife wrestles knowing that their ex-husband has moved on and that there is another woman who will be a motherly figure to her child.

Being that new girl, I’ve put forth the effort to co-parent with Chris’s ex. Unfortunately, she’s unwelcoming and unresponsive to my desires to work together to parent Quincy. I’ve come to find that it’s not so bad I guess since it reduces the amount of contact I have with her and Chris is good about keeping things “strictly business” with her, only talking about Quincy and his needs and nothing more.  She update him on Quincy’s doctor’s appointments, lets Chris know what he needs to work on for school/daycare over the weekend; and asks what time Chris will be there to pick Quincy up so she can have him ready and out the door on time. Apart from that, we don’t hear from her.

Yet, the problem doesn’t lie in her over involvement, but instead it’s noticed in her lack of involvement.

She refuses to allow Chris and I to see Quincy on days or times that aren’t scheduled even though it’s simple for her to drop him off while she attend her mid-week church service in our town. She refuses to speak to me or even say hello. When Chris asks her who’s watching his son on days he knows she isn’t home, she avoids the question and quickly changes the subject and she insists on asking for money beyond the agreement outline. So, even though she’s not very verbal, the stress she induces is noticeable nonetheless.

So, with that, I’ve learned ways around the unique circumstances of Chris and my relationship with the ex-wife and mother of my stepson.

First, I follow the golden rule by never saying anything bad about her around Quincy because even when she makes my  life seem like a nightmare at times, she’s still his mother and certainly still a part of him.

Secondly, I chose to make her presence in my life less of a problem by getting out all my complaints to Chris in private, then deciding to move on by still living life like I normally would and not allowing her to influence my choices. If she wants to limit the time we spend with Quincy, I make sure we contact him several times during the days he isn’t with us. During his visits, I make sure to have such a good time with him, he’s left feeling loved and encouraged given the short time he had – remembering to focus on quality of time over quantity of time. We learn, go outside, socialize with other kids, show affection, eat good food, talk, play games and watch cartoons. The greatest thing I can do for him is to always meet his immediate needs and to look out for his best interest, which includes having good relationships with his maternal and paternal families. Whether we like each other or not, we all love him and that’s what we should remember.

Lastly, I’ve been able to get around the lack of communication with his natural mother by remaining in contact with his maternal grandmother, who is his only nearby relative on that side of his family. We update each other through emails and messages and she’s been a blessing in the sense that she agrees with me that Quincy comes before personal feelings.

Even though the natural mother may try to be a roadblock for you, remember, you’re only as limited as you chose to be. Be creative with handling the stresses and disappointments by finding ways you can have fun with your stepchild when you do have him. Regardless of what kind of mother she is, you’re still your own woman, this is still your house, and she never has to invade in your space because in your home, you set the boundaries.  When the child is with you, you are the child’s mother. Love them accordingly.

Parenting on Limited Time

There’s a cost to count when you’re a stepmother. One in particular that I’ve had to count was in the area of time management.

When it’s just Chris and I, I tend to live with my hair down a bit and I’ve become well adjusted to the daily routine  that a childless environment brings; I come and go as I please, the house is relatively orderly and I get significant time to myself and shared time with Chris gaining his undivided attention and giving him mine.

Not so when baby arrives.

I constantly have to think on my feet when Quincy is with us. Chris picks him up every other weekend from Friday evening to early Sunday afternoon, which in essence only gives us a good 36 hours with him. That means, Quincy is bursting at the seams with energy from the time he arrives. I understand that. There’s a lot of catching up to do between us all and every moment has value and meaning. Yet still, for the most part, I didn’t think how hard that would be beforehand since I reasoned that fewer hours together equated to less work — boy was I wrong!

It’s quite the opposite, actually.

Step-parenting requires superhuman energy, endless patience and a slow burning candle. Last year, Quincy stayed with us two hours a day after daycare when his mother lived in our town.  He lives 23 miles away now, so we’ve lost the daily time and now the hours we have him are lumped together. It’s harder to develop a routine and structure since we’re no longer physically a part of his day-to-day life. Working as a waitress, I’m scheduled every Saturday and Sunday, which means I get less time than Chris does with Quincy. Couple this with long work days and coming home to a rowdy house with running and screaming kids (his playmate is a 2-year-old who lives upstairs) and it’s a recipe for a mommy meltdown. Even at the end of the day when playtime is over and I think I can relax, Quincy wants me or his daddy lie down in the bed with him to talk and watch a movie until he drifts off to sleep. The most challenging part is that I can be a light sleeper on work nights and there are several nights when he crawls in bed with us. The motion alone is enough to disturb my sleep making it less restful and creating a situation where I have to work sleep deprived the next day.

Balancing fun, learning, family togetherness and discipline…in 36 hours. Given the scarcity of time time we get with Quincy — and my time even more sparse —  I never really get enough time to do some of the things I hope to do with him. It’s my aim to homeschool him to better prepare him for kindergarten, which is 18 months away. I picked up workbooks, flashcards, markers and other learning tools to help him and e-mailed his maternal grandmother — a first grade teacher —  to get her advice as to what to teach him and how to get started. She proved to be an incredible resource by sending books, eraser boards, a Leapster and supplies to help out, but sadly, I’ve barely have enough time to teach him. I can only get through one to two things at a time and it frustrates me since there’s so much more I want to teach him. I wish we the daily time we enjoyed last year so that I feel more like we’re part of each other’s lives and less like visitors.

The mommy role dilemma. Sometimes I wonder if I’m a better mother when I’m one of those “felt but not seen mothers.” You know, the kind where I make sure Chris spends enough time talking to Quincy whether by phone or internet, making sure he has new clothes, washing, hanging and organizing the clothes he has, making sure he gets his pictures taken regularly and sending out copies to all his relatives, or just updating people on Facebook with his videos and progress. It’s not the kind of mother I want to be or the kind I thought I’d be, but when you’re raising a child that already has a mommy and a daddy, compromise is something you have to accept.

We’re a family and every family has its challenges. I have remember who I am and how important a role I play in the lives of Chris and Quincy because some days I feel like crying since I don’t feel like I’m enough of an influence in Quincy’s life or I simply become overwhelmed on the days he is with us. All I can do is love him with my entire being and express love to his his father since we’re all a family. In time, I’ll add children to the family and I can have a completely  active role in their lives every day. I think every woman in my situation has that dream. For now, I’ll love that little boy, teach him what I know and I we’ll continue to find ways to make our situation fruitful and strong; me as a stepmother and he as my stepson.

Welcome

Welcome to TeamStepmom!

I’m excited about sharing my experience of being a stepmother for the first time. I met my stepchildren a year ago when I was seriously dating and living with their father, and in that time, so much has happened and I’ve learned quite a bit. Soon, Chris and I will marry and I will get to enjoy even more of the blessings of being a stepmother — but I’ll also get deeper into some of the struggles and battles of it, as well. I admit, blending a family is never easy and there’s no how-to guide for it, but I’ve learned that if I take one day at a time, it gets easier.

I believe it’s foundational to have a strong community of stepmothers who can come together, support one another and share what life’s been offering us in the same way natural mothers have been able to do. Whether you know it or not, stepmothers play a vital role in the lives of  children. Divorce is more common than ever and remarriage is on the rise and with that, the blended family. It’s time we spoke up!

-Elizabeth Swanson